A memory popped up on Facebook tonight. The pumpkins Ben and I carved in 2019. Our last pumpkins. I shared it with an “I miss him.” People responded with kind words. One part of me is grateful for it, another part of me screams “It’s not enough!” All the kind words in the world don’t […]

In a month it’ll be four years. It sounds like a long time, doesn’t it? Someone asked me recently, “How long do you think you’ll need your grief group?” I was too stunned to answer for a minute. “How long… “ as if it’s completely understood that there’s a finite time to grieve. You cry […]

My childhood friend, Lara Conley, sent me a photo of Ben tonight. He was about six. His baby tooth smile and sweet almond eyes tugged at my heart. A rush of happiness surged through me, along with the urge to kiss his plump cheeks. I hadn’t seen the photo in many years. I wrote back, […]

Troubled thoughts The human story, one of triumph. Trouble will come. You will suffer and have pain, but in the end it will be worth it, you will heal, life is good. Soldier on. All movies and 99.99% of books tell the same story. But it’s not true, is it? Not for everybody. Maybe not […]

Three years and three months. And still, a familiar gesture, a similar smile, macaroni and cheese… anything can bring it on. A huge hand reaches into my chest and wraps itself around my heart. It squeezes, and pain starts to radiate through my chest, adrenaline pumps through me. Arms, feet, neck, coursing hot. “No. I […]

I went to our Thomas Family Reunion today. It was well attended and I enjoyed getting to see my cousins and Aunts. I didn’t wear mascara because I was afraid somebody would say something nice and I’d cry. But nobody mentioned Ben. Even though I haven’t seen most of those people since he died, not […]

Yet another April 19. A date cannot get any sadder. I relive the hours, what I was doing each moment before he died. I remember how I felt. Content with life but aggravated by small things. Covid. Work. Ben not visiting with me for more than ten minutes when he stopped by to pick up […]

My world hasn’t changed much, there’s been little to write. One day follows another. I don’t talk about Ben or grief anymore to Mama and Daddy, or friends or other family. It seems out of place now. As if my allotted time is up and I have to talk about something else now. I don’t […]

In the beginning I heard many mothers say “this doesn’t get better.” I thought they had to be lying. I’m slowly realizing they weren’t. There are just more days in between the extreme anguish. When it comes, it’s just as piercing as it ever was. And exhausting. No energy to do anything but keep running […]

“I’ll pray for you.” Said so often by me and others. Does prayer help the one we’re praying for? I started pondering this because of Rosemary. Of all people, I should be able to help. And there’s not one thing I can do to lessen her pain. So I told her the same thing everybody […]