Marciana came for a visit today. We rode out to Memory Hill and visited. She misses Ben. This has been a hard week for her too. So much guilt in not recognizing how sick he was and failing to get help for him. I guess she and I will share that guilt forever. We saw […]

Physical Manifestations of Grief My fingers and hands are numb and tingling. A compressed nerve in my neck from my muscles staying bunched up tight night and day. They ache, and I shake them to try to restore feeling but it doesn’t work. It’s gotten difficult to type with my last two fingers, I can’t […]

“Poor kid just downed in his own lungs. So easy to treat. Must have had a bad fever.” Jim said that to me in text today. Callous, wasn’t it? In normal times I could roll my eyes, maybe wince. These are not normal times. I sobbed for half an hour, the kind where I can’t […]

I went back and reread what I’ve been writing. It’s stark. Honest, but stark. The problem is, it only shows one thing… my bad days. I don’t tend to write on good days. I write when my soul feels ripped. The truth is, I am having some good days. Days I’m able to appreciate the […]

Pneumonia????????????? Kristen with the medical examiner’s office called today and said you died of Pneumonia. All the toxicology reports they’ve been waiting on came back negative. You died of Pneumonia. I failed you as a mother. I’m so sorry Ben. I failed you, I failed myself, I failed Beau, I failed our family. You told […]

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Your support system If you’re like me, you’ve been completely surprised by where you find support. The people I expected to be most closely involved aren’t. And those I least expected to be involved, are. My older sister has been my best friend for a decade. We’ve written almost daily emails back and forth for […]

Mama and Daddy buried Miracle Kitty. She painted a beautiful board to mark her grave in the pet cemetery.  Their dog, Keeper curled up underneath the marker and rested. He’ll miss her as much as I do. They were best buddies.  Mama came over and said “Jeorgia is on her way over, she’s coming to […]

Today is four months exactly since you left me. I’ve never gone that long without seeing you. Not once in your life. I feel the panic well up. I can’t do this. I can do this. I can’t do this. I can… no, I can’t do this. I lost my job today. At 1pm. AT&T […]

If I was run over by a train and had every bone in my body broken, I wouldn’t be asked if I’m okay. You could look at me. The splints, casts, and traction and repeated surgeries would tell my story.  A parent who loses a child has every bone broken, every ligament snapped, and every […]