LordGodAmighty  I think the unthinkable I’m so ashamed But strengthened by the possibility.  My suffering might not be by choice, but continuing to endure it is.  I only have one question: Will I still go to Heaven?  My assumption from early religious training was probably like yours: “absolutely not, you’ll be dancing with the devil.” […]

The sweet brown curls of my grandson. So like his father. I breathe him in Hold him close I want to nurture him Mentor him Soothe his way into this world  Make up for his loss Fix it Be both father  And grandmother But I’m broken How can I My love is deep  But shattered  […]

I see your smile So near. So far. My mouth opens wide A silent scream  I curl as small as I can  In a corner My head feels better  Pressed against solid The world is unreal The wall is real It helps me  Not fall off the edge All that I pushed aside today  Crushes […]

The leap Endless night  Every night You’re out there Somewhere I balance on the ledge Looking for you  I teeter Every night Hoping I fall Into sweet peace My soul pleads Take the leap Scared eyes Draw me back From you From peace I suffer  For them But they don’t know How much My soul […]

I went to Home Depot today and then Olive Garden. I didn’t plan it so I wouldn’t back out and disappoint myself. I just got the urge and went. It’s better that way. Anything planned feels like pressure on me and I can’t bear pressure these days.  It was a good day. As good as […]

I had a conversation with Marciana today. We were sitting in the river, watching Beau play, and I finally had the courage to ask her to go through your last day in detail. It was harder than expected. I felt an unreasonable anger at her for letting you die. It wasn’t her fault at all, […]

My new normal is acting like I’m okay when I feel like I have a telephone pole sticking out of my chest. How can people not see it?! My new normal is obsessing about your last moments all night every night and creating a thousand ways things might have been different. My new normal is […]

The unreality of it still surprises me. I consider texting his phone, but don’t. He will not answer. My texts will pile up. I will have to deal with them when I have the courage to explore his phone. Something I’ve done little of so far. In the early days I looked through the most […]

It’s the little things that drive grief. Your custom car tag, tacked to an indifferent Oak in memory of you. Promising me I’ll never feel the happy relief of a child returning home safely. Seeing the car tag tacked to the oak was hard. The joy of remembering glancing out the window seeing you drive […]