LordGodAmighty 

I think the unthinkable

I’m so ashamed

But strengthened by the possibility. 

My suffering might not be by choice, but continuing to endure it is. 

I only have one question:

Will I still go to Heaven? 

My assumption from early religious training was probably like yours: “absolutely not, you’ll be dancing with the devil.”

Recent reading indicates that might not be the case. It gives me hope. 

Not that it’s the right choice, but it may be the only choice.

A body can only survive extreme pain for so long before the mind separates itself and departs. 

I call it the ledge. 

Beyond it is the abyss. 

I dance on the edge of it every night. Longing for the other side. Aching for a glimpse of those warm brown eyes. 

It used to scare me, but not anymore. It’s like a mother to my childlessness. The great comforter. It exists as surely as I do. I only have to reach out to embrace it. 

My child exists somewhere in that abyss. Do I have the courage to continue this unrelieved pain or do I go and find him. 

The choice seems clear in the dead of night. Allow my mind to dance away into the abyss. Join him. Have that happy reunion in the sky. 

Then I think of my mother. She’s worked so hard to help me breathe. My father, with new wrinkles around his eyes. Not posting to your message tree for four months. Hoping he’d feel better but finding he’s not.

My innocent grandson Beau who needs his father, possibly more than I do. 

Sweet Jeorgia who works tirelessly to make me be okay, yet I never am.