Today is four months exactly since you left me.

I’ve never gone that long without seeing you. Not once in your life. I feel the panic well up. I can’t do this. I can do this. I can’t do this. I can… no, I can’t do this.

I lost my job today. At 1pm. AT&T budget cuts, thirty five in my group are now jobless as of Sep 30. What will I do if I can’t find another decent job quickly? I have nobody to fall back on. I’ve never felt so alone, lonely, frightened, shattered, and crushed in my life.

At least as long as you were living I knew you had my back. Somehow, we always managed together. When I left Jim you were so solid, so comforting “We’ve got this Mom!” I didn’t know if we did or didn’t, but you did. I miss your confidence in me. Your certainty that we would be alright. Your attempts to make me smile on a horrible day. Your ability to tease me out of panic. Your always sunny take on life.

I have to find and learn a new job while dealing with grief-brain so bad I can’t remember my own name half the time. How can I do this? I’m so so so so scared. I miss you so intensely I scream when I am alone. It helps release some of the intense pain.

I came out of the lose-my-job meeting at 1:30 to see Miracle Kitty lying dead, in a puddle. She had been climbing the barn posts like the frisky little creature she is just 25 minutes ago. I can’t bear it Ben. I sobbed, keened, shouted at God, begged God to take me. Please take me.

This can’t be happening. This can’t be my life. I can’t do this. I don’t even WANT to do this! I want to see you. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why am I even still breathing? What does God want from me?????? I screamed at God. Shouted, begged, pleaded for answers. Give me something! Anything!! Then I tried reasonable.. I apologized for screaming and shouting at him. I asked forgiveness. I begged him to show me what he wants from me. Whatever! I don’t care! I’ll do it!!! I screamed at the devil “You will NOT win even if I’m left standing in a field naked because every single possession I have has been taken from me!! God IS real and there is NOTHING that will alter my faith from now to eternity.” But I am so beyond desperate for help there is no word in the English language to describe how I feel.

I don’t understand why you are gone. I don’t understand why God left me here. I have one single solitary reason I haven’t swallowed a bottle of Xanax along with every other bottle in my medicine cabinet. I cannot do to my Mama what has happened to me. I cannot sentence her to the pain so excruciating, so unending, only another parent who has lost a child can comprehend.

I am in two grief support groups for parents who have lost children. Nearly every member feels exactly the same: we do not want to be alive. It’s shocking to admit that to yourself, much less others. It seems so wrong based on everything we’ve learned all our lives. But it’s just a fact. Universally for mothers. The pain is too much to endure. With no end in sight. And mothers who are 10, 20, 30 years out are still suffering intensely. How do you face that?

I’m only at 4 months. I don’t know. I just know I lost you, the best job I’ve ever had, and my 2nd distraction kitty in 16 weeks. I kept thanking God for my Blessings, at Mary Ann’s urging. I would wake in tears and choke out my thanks. My job was always high on the list. It has helped sustain my sanity day after day. I shouldn’t have told him how much it meant to me. He took that too.

I have nothing left for God to take except my extended family. Are they next? My Mom? One of my sisters? My father? My only grandson? My rock, Jeorgia? Mary Ann? What more does he want? What more can I endure? I…. don’t know.

I always thought of God as my loving Father, paternalistic. Now when I think of him, I see him vengeful and relentlessly sadistic. I don’t know how to seek comfort from that. Maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m just supposed to understand he’s a vengeful God.