Received the final email from medical examiner today. Official cause of death was Severe Bacterial Bronchopneumonia. It can be cured with an antibiotic. I don’t know if it’s possible to cry any harder than I have. My chest hurts like I’m having a heart attack. Constant pressure like someone is sitting on me. My fingers are numb. I keep trying to drop my shoulders, my muscles are all bunched up by my ears. It’s the saddest news I’ve ever had in my entire life.

He had two doctor appointments in the preceding four weeks. Why on earth didn’t his doc give him antibiotic or test for it?!?!? I can’t even think straight. I’m upright, I’m walking, I’m talking. My brain is a gazillion miles away trying to figure out how and why this happened. God help me.

Beau lost his father. Marci lost the love of her life. I lost my only child. M&D lost their first grandson. Due to lack of antibiotic.

If I scream only the kittens will hear me. That’s good. And God. Please God hear me.I need help.

IcantdothisIcantdothisIcantdothis. The tears come. Whining keening animal sounds. Painful even to my own ears. I’m thankful there’s nobody to hear me. Nobody should ever have to feel this way. Nobody should ever have to watch someone feel this way. Nobody should ever have to hear somebody feel this way. I can’t catch my breath. How do I do this?

Snot. Tears. Spit. In a puddle in my lap

I just hugged myself like Ben would have hugged me. I need to feel him so badly, so very very badly. I ache for him. And rock. And ache. And rock. And ache. And rock. And ache.

But he’s ground to bits. Like Bahamian coral sand. Just the remnants of his bones. Sitting in an urn in my room. That’s my son. My only child. My baby. My life. My future. My dreams. My best friend. My everything.

Gone.

God, how do I survive this?

Answer me. Please. Please please answer me.