I went to Home Depot today and then Olive Garden. I didn’t plan it so I wouldn’t back out and disappoint myself. I just got the urge and went. It’s better that way. Anything planned feels like pressure on me and I can’t bear pressure these days. It was a good day. As good as […]
July 12, 2020
I had a conversation with Marciana today. We were sitting in the river, watching Beau play, and I finally had the courage to ask her to go through your last day in detail. It was harder than expected. I felt an unreasonable anger at her for letting you die. It wasn’t her fault at all, […]
July 10, 2020
My new normal is acting like I’m okay when I feel like I have a telephone pole sticking out of my chest. How can people not see it?! My new normal is obsessing about your last moments all night every night and creating a thousand ways things might have been different. My new normal is […]
July 6, 2020
The unreality of it still surprises me. I consider texting his phone, but don’t. He will not answer. My texts will pile up. I will have to deal with them when I have the courage to explore his phone. Something I’ve done little of so far. In the early days I looked through the most […]
July 3, 2020
It’s the little things that drive grief. Your custom car tag, tacked to an indifferent Oak in memory of you. Promising me I’ll never feel the happy relief of a child returning home safely. Seeing the car tag tacked to the oak was hard. The joy of remembering glancing out the window seeing you drive […]
June 30, 2020
Had a good day. It seemed. Now I can’t breathe. With every breath comes a wounded animal sound. The sound scares even me. How do I live omg how do I live without you. I want to see your bitten fingernails. Your chubby feet. I want to touch you. I want to tell you I […]
June 27, 2020
Society has no clue what to do with grief. It places great emphasis on “healing, moving forward, closure.” This serves to make society more comfortable. It does nothing for the bereaved except exacerbate the grief. Am I healing quick enough? Am I projecting the image of a strong person? I must put on a fake […]
June 20, 2020
Oh Ben. What a day we had today. Beau is a little trooper. He’s so good. And patient. He hardly ever cries about anything. Today an artist, Roger McCall, donated a bench for Memory Hill. A very nice man and a unique and gorgeous bench. But he’s very talkative. So Beau had to be patient […]