Received the final email from medical examiner today. Official cause of death was Severe Bacterial Bronchopneumonia. It can be cured with an antibiotic. I don’t know if it’s possible to cry any harder than I have. My chest hurts like I’m having a heart attack. Constant pressure like someone is sitting on me. My fingers […]

Marciana came for a visit today. We rode out to Memory Hill and visited. She misses Ben. This has been a hard week for her too. So much guilt in not recognizing how sick he was and failing to get help for him. I guess she and I will share that guilt forever. We saw […]

Physical Manifestations of Grief My fingers and hands are numb and tingling. A compressed nerve in my neck from my muscles staying bunched up tight night and day. They ache, and I shake them to try to restore feeling but it doesn’t work. It’s gotten difficult to type with my last two fingers, I can’t […]

“Poor kid just downed in his own lungs. So easy to treat. Must have had a bad fever.” Jim said that to me in text today. Callous, wasn’t it? In normal times I could roll my eyes, maybe wince. These are not normal times. I sobbed for half an hour, the kind where I can’t […]

I went back and reread what I’ve been writing. It’s stark. Honest, but stark. The problem is, it only shows one thing… my bad days. I don’t tend to write on good days. I write when my soul feels ripped. The truth is, I am having some good days. Days I’m able to appreciate the […]

Pneumonia????????????? Kristen with the medical examiner’s office called today and said you died of Pneumonia. All the toxicology reports they’ve been waiting on came back negative. You died of Pneumonia. I failed you as a mother. I’m so sorry Ben. I failed you, I failed myself, I failed Beau, I failed our family. You told […]

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