Some days I think I’m going to be okay. I feel strong and capable of dealing with this. I feel grateful to be healing, and hopeful.

Then other days, like today, I ache for him in a very physical way. It feels like every molecule, my DNA itself, is screaming out for him and I shake with panic that I can’t reach him, touch him, talk to him.

All it took today was seeing some scribbles in pencil he had made on a board on the front porch of the cabin. Orientation notes when he was cutting lumber. I was hanging Christmas lights when my eye caught his handwriting.

I lost my breath.

Crying with wails that go on so long I feel nauseated and need to throw up. Only the deer can hear me. Sometimes I wonder if they recognize the sound.

I recognize the sound in the Mama Cows when we have to separate them from their calves. They make a terrible crying call all night and the next day. Desperately trying to reach their babies.

I sound like a Mama cow sometimes.

I wonder if other creatures do this but we aren’t able to differentiate the sound.

Rough day. Monday. As always. Tomorrow will be better?