Just when I think I’m doing better, my mind reels with fresh loss, tears spring to my eyes and I feel like running away and hiding and never coming out again. Instead, I sink lower in my chair and cry. Alone as always. I cry until my eyes swell and hurt. Until my nose is blocked and raw from blowing. I cry until I’m just too tired to cry anymore. Then I crawl in bed and cry some more.

I cry until I start screaming. I scream until my throat is sore. I don’t understand why nobody answers. Where is God?

I scream until I have to run. If I don’t run, I’ll fly off the ledge into the abyss. I don’t know what’s in the abyss, I just know I’ll never come back from it.

I run until I can’t breathe. Then I sink to my knees and pray. I pray until the silence fills me with anger. Then I place my hands on the walls and wedge my head into a corner. It stops me from shattering into a gazillion pieces.

I am broken. Not entirely human. A shell. Walking dead.