Exactly two months since you’ve been gone. It doesn’t seem possible. I’m still breathing. I even laugh sometimes. Beau is here with me this weekend. It’s hard to take care of Beau out here. I miss your help with him. The extra pair of eyes and hands. And laughter. I miss your silly puns. Who thought I would ever say that? I didn’t. I wish I wasn’t saying it now. Can you really be gone forever? It still doesn’t seem possible.

I still wonder what happened to you. I have no answers from the medical examiners office except “It’ll take 4-6 months to get toxicology results.” I’m afraid of what they’re going to say. What were you taking? And why? I’ll never understand the why. And what if you were taking nothing? And why did I ask you to leave for Covid? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been such a coward. You weren’t welcome in your own home. You didn’t seem to mind leaving, you were excited to stay with Marciana. But is that because you could drink? Take medicine you shouldn’t be taking? What hurt you so much that oblivion was better than reality?

Your little boy is precious. And he needs you so much. You left him with Claire to raise. She loves him very much but she needs your help! She won’t know how to teach him to be a boy. And then a man. There’s so much she can’t do that you would have done. Give him a future, a bright one. You had everything in the world and yet believed you had so little. I’ll never understand that. Marciana is a joy. You must have felt lucky to land her, but what happened? Were you really sick the days before you died or were you drinking?

Why didn’t you stay and visit with me the last time I ever saw you? I was standing in the doorway in the laundry room and you were trying to leave the garage. “Can you stay and visit for a few minutes?” “No Mom, Marci’s waiting on me.” “I guess I know where I stand in your priorities, I haven’t seen you in weeks..” “Don’t be like that Mom” or something to that effect. If I’d known that was the very last time I’d ever see you again I would have grabbed you and held on. I wouldn’t have let you go. I didn’t know. Couldn’t have known. And you and I rarely parted like that. We were so good about always saying “Be safe! I love you…” We always hugged. On that day I got neither hugs nor I love yous. I helped you load Beau’s stuff in the car. Stuff I had spent two hours carefully selecting so you’d have everything you needed to keep him the upcoming weekend. I think that weekend went well. Beau likes Marci and it looked like you three had a good time together. That would be the last time Beau would ever see his Dad. You blew bubbles together in the back yard. Enjoyed each other’s company. You set up the roommates room with all Beau’s stuff, even his Baby Shark bedding. It was important to you that he feel at home and comfortable.

After you died, I didn’t see Beau for many weeks. Seven possibly? The Covid was in full rage and mama and daddy were (and still are) in quarantine. I didn’t know how to see him and protect them too. That’s why I got the camper. I can be close to them yet have Beau too. And protect them as much as I can.

I love you Ben. And miss you every single day. Even grocery shopping is hard. All your favorite foods are in my instacart frequently ordered items. 

Marciana is coming over for a visit tomorrow. I know she wants to see Beau. But I think she likes to visit me too. We can talk about you. I don’t imagine she has many people she can do that with. I hope we get some quiet time tomorrow. But it’s not too likely. Roger McCall is bringing a bench for memory hill. A beautiful teak natural swan bench. He donated it for your spot. Our spot. I’m nervous about him coming. I don’t know him except from Facebook. But it’s an incredibly generous and loving thing to do. He must be a good man to care for a near stranger so much. I can’t wait to see the bench out there. It’s such a lovely spot. I visit every day and it brings me peace in a sense. At least for a little while.

It’s late at night that the panic hits. How do I live without you??? How does the family live without you??? How does Beau live without you??? Is this REAL??! It can’t be happening. And that’s when I start wishing I was in any skin but mine. I think I can’t bear it. I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking I’d rather be with you than here. Trying to decide almost. Even though the decision isn’t mine, or can’t be. I think it should be. Mama is worried. This has been so hard on her too. They miss you Ben. A LOT. Grandaddy seemed lost for weeks. He’s better now but I think it is still hard on him.

We started a college fund for Beau. I think it has about 3k in donations now. I’m very proud of that. I wish it was more, but it’s a good start. He’s such a joyful little guy. He doesn’t know where you went. I don’t know how to explain it. We pick yellow wildflowers and put them on Daddy’s Cross. We go hunt in the shell pile down the road, pick pretty shells and go put them at Daddy’s Cross. We say our prayers before supper every night and I think of you. He used to grab your finger and my finger and you would say grace. He’d copy our “Amen.” Now we do that but without you. And he smiles when I break out into “Aaaa-men, Aaaaaa.men…” song. Just to change things up a bit so I miss you less in the quiet moment following prayer. 

I spoon him at night in bed and he reminds me of you at that age. You loved to sleep with me just as much as I loved to sleep with you. Such happy memories. You were sweet and cuddly at night, so is he. He burrows down until he can feel my arm draped over him. I tell him stories as he’s falling asleep. I sing him the same songs I used to sing to you. And in the morning I sing “Good morning morning, Hello Sunshine!” He smiles real big. He doesn’t know the words yet, but someday he will alternate verses with me like you used to do. ❤️

His favorite thing in the whole world is riding the 4 wheeler. He says “RIDE.” And I’m expected to hop on behind him and take him for a ride. I usually do. He climbs up on it all by himself. He knows how to turn the key and start it all by himself! At age 2! He’s gonna be a rider. 🤗😍. He grabs one handle bar with his left hand and the gas cap with his right and he’s ready to go. He’ll happily ride as long as I will. And when we come back and park he’s not happy: “RIDE?” 🤣. He fell asleep on the three wheeler last weekend. He melted in my arms and sort of slumped down over the gas tank. I tucked a beach towel under him and he slept the whole ride. That was Sunday. He was worn out from so much physical activity Friday to Sunday. 

He’s a good boy Ben, and reminds me so much of you. He’s naturally cautious and careful. A little suspicious of strangers. But always ready with a smile. He gets frustrated easily, more so than you did. I think that’s part of Claire’s contribution to his DNA. She frustrates easily too. I try to teach him “try try again” when he cries because he can’t do what he’s trying to do. I hope I can teach him patience and persistence. 

It is Father’s Day weekend and I’m heartbroken that you can’t be here for it. I guess it would have been your third. I’m heartbroken for you, for Beau, and of course myself. I don’t know how to be a Dad to Beau. All I can do is be the best Granny I can be. And hope that’s enough. 

Wherever you are, I hope it’s better than here. And I hope your pain is over. I hope you’ve found peace and happiness. I hope there’s a heaven and you’re in it. I hope I get to see you again. I hope it’s not too long. 

Loving and missing you,

Mama