Society has no clue what to do with grief. It places great emphasis on “healing, moving forward, closure.” This serves to make society more comfortable. It does nothing for the bereaved except exacerbate the grief. Am I healing quick enough? Am I projecting the image of a strong person? I must put on a fake smile and tell the world I’m okay while my brain is screaming this will never be okay.  People want to convince themselves losing a child won’t permanently shatter you. Psssssstttt…. It’s a lie. 

I’m still camped out at M&Ds barn. I have nowhere else to go. And I need them close. The grief promises to swallow me whole. I don’t know anyway around that. 

Beau is sleeping. I tiptoed in there a few minutes ago and just held his sweet little boy body close to me and breathed him in. It broke my heart all over again. What I wouldn’t give to do that to you once more. 

I call him Ben sometimes by accident. I always did, but now it sends a shock of pain through me when I do. He looks so like you. And acts like you. He’s a very sweet loving child. 

I’m doing my best to help him. And Claire. She and her mom have been living at my house for a few weeks with nowhere else to go. They promise to take care of the bills. I hope they do. (Update: they have) I don’t need any point of conflict between us. She called late one night after a fight with her crazy Aunt with nowhere to go. So now them, a snake 😡 and a tomcat are living in my house. It’s all so very strange. But I’m glad I could help. I can’t be at that house, I’m glad they can be.

I love Marci, you really chose well Ben. She was a wonderful future partner. Your timing just SUCKS. Grief SUCKS too.