Had a good day. It seemed. 

Now I can’t breathe. 

With every breath comes a wounded animal sound. The sound scares even me. How do I live omg how do I live without you.

I want to see your bitten fingernails. Your chubby feet. I want to touch you. I want to tell you I love you. I want to hear your voice. I want you near me. Your laughter in my ears… I’ll never hear it again. Your text messages “Mom, I’m on my way home.” Our home is not your home anymore. Your home is with Jesus and I hate him for it. Why does he take you when I need you so much more than he does? A very cruel belief system. 

The animal sounds grow louder. I feel panicky. I cannot lose control of myself. I may never return to the sane side.