I responded to a friend’s post on Facebook with a casual reference to Ben’s cremation. (Complaint about funeral homes)

An hour later it hit me how casually I can refer to my child’s cremation. As if it is just another event in life.

As if the very thought of it doesn’t suck all the air out of my lungs sometimes. And I felt despair that I can speak of it casually. I shouldn’t have to speak of it casually. I shouldn’t have to speak of it at all.

What else is there besides grief? What else matters when all is lost?

I’m trying to rekindle old friendships and rejoin society. And I have little in common with anyone. I feel like I’m faking conversation. What else matters when all is lost?

Rosemary lost Christina. She entered the onlies zone and I can’t help her. Don’t know how to help her. Must attend funeral at the end of the week and can’t figure out how to do it without crumbling. Stiff upper lip isn’t a skill I’m blessed with.

Praying for her. To a God I’m not sure exists anymore.