Cynthia, Perry, Fraya, Jacob, Jeorgia, Dani, Marciana, Mama & Daddy and I all tackled the old barn today. It had 25 years worth of old furniture and rat poo in it. We got it ALL cleaned out and pressure washed. It looks so much better.

I gave Marciana her urn today. I think it was a little hard on her. I guess it is on all of us. Fraya, Jeorgia, Mama, Marciana and I talked in the carport after I gave her the urn about how surreal it all feels. We were all crying by the end of it. It’s just too big a thing to come to grips with. How could it be that I can hand some of Ben’s remains to Marci in a small wooden urn?? It makes no sense to me. At all. And I don’t know how to make it make sense. 

I don’t want it to ever make sense. I want him back. I don’t know how I can not ever see him again? His silly stupid puns I should have laughed at more. He loved his puns deeply. And I thought I should only laugh at the ones I thought were funny. I wish I’d laughed at them all. 

I wish I’d told him more how proud I was of him during his success with his struggle with alcohol rather than always waiting for him to fail. I wish… I’d been a better mother to him. 

I loved him every moment from the moment he was born until he took his last breath. He always knew that because I told and showed him a million times. But did he know how proud I was of him for being a good man, and a good father? I don’t know.