So it’s May 6th, or maybe 7th now..

I don’t know how to function without Ben. My mind hasn’t wrapped itself around the enormity yet. I keep feeling like I’ll see him soon. I’m finding relief in the woods. I don’t know if it’s more my mind is busy on an ATV so I can’t think about him constantly or if it’s because it feels like God is in every blade of grass. I don’t know. I’m angry at God but I can’t abandon him because he has my son. What do I do with that? 

I’m still at M&D’s house because I can’t bear to be at my house. I went home today and unpacked all Ben and Beau’s stuff from Marciana’s house from his car. It was hard, but I kept it together. A job to do. Can’t fall apart. 

Came back and helped cook supper. Still didn’t fall apart. I’m still breathing and talking and going through life as if it hasn’t been destroyed. As if acting normal is important. As if ignoring his death is somehow more important than standing in the front yard keening. I try not to keen in front of people. It makes them uncomfortable. It comforts me. 

I miss Beau. I miss my life. But if I go home I’m afraid I’ll never leave it again. I might just crawl into my room, close the door and never come out again. How do I live without him? I don’t know how. 

Not sure I want to.