I haven’t posted in almost a month.

Nothing to say really. This loss isn’t overcome in a matter of months. Probably not in decades. Each day blends into the next. Some days are not so bad, I cope. Some days are almost unbearable.

And now I have to find a new camper and a new job and the pressure of those things sits so heavy on my shoulders I feel almost paralyzed by the stress of it.

I can’t walk by my bedroom without seeking my bed so I’m trying to fight that. The urge just to sleep until time is over.

Sleep brings Blessed relief from pain. And until recently I’ve chased sleep desperately, unable to fall asleep until I’m so exhausted I can’t hold my head up another second.

That’s changed. I fall asleep quickly now, day or night and the only problem I have is waking. I don’t want to wake up or get up. Nearly every time my eyes open I have to choke back a sob. My new reality is overwhelming and still unreal to me.

Jeorgia went to the North Port Police Department today and picked up Ben’s personal effects. They were holding them until the investigation was over. She’s bringing them to me tomorrow.

His gold cross and Apple Watch. Granny and Grandaddy bought him the cross and I bought the chain, for Christmas last year. He went with me to the jewelry store and picked it out. He wore it every moment from that time and was wearing it when he died. His Apple Watch recorded his very last heartbeat and transmitted it to his phone.

I’ve wanted those items but now I’m dreading those items. So final.