This is what happens when I have one moment when my mind is not engaged in distraction. I was doing okay, playing a word game on my phone. I stopped to go to the bathroom. Walking through the bedroom my mind lurched where it always wants to go: “My kid is dead.” The unwanted thought […]

I haven’t written in a while. There’s very little change, good or bad. Each day feels much like the one before, neither backward or forward. I’ve become a master of avoidance. I distract myself from feeling what I feel. Riding, reading, gardening, letters to friends, social media, television. It all fills the time so I’m […]

One year. I’ve been without him for one whole year. I’m still breathing. I didn’t really expect to be, and truth is, didn’t want to be. Don’t want to be. But here I am. The day itself hasn’t been as bad as the week before. The Tuesday and Wednesday before may as well have been […]

I’ve been feeling better for a bit. A little stronger than I was. A little more hopeful that I can get used to this. Then last night I had a mundane dream about nothing in particular. And when I woke from it I felt the massive capstone of grief descend on me. In my dream […]

Losing your only child is the most obliterating thing on earth. It demolishes your identity. It demolishes your friendships. It demolishes your faith. It demolishes your trust. It demolishes your view of the world. It demolishes your hopes. It demolishes your tomorrows. It demolishes your dreams. It demolishes your plans. It demolishes your family. It […]

Grief is isolating. Often I feel as if I’m on one side of a river and everyone I know is on the other side. My side of the river is not without beauty, there are almond trees and olives, but it’s a hard hilly country with little shade whereas the other side has plenty of […]

Each week has grown more quiet. The days longer. More aimless. I used to enjoy anticipating outings, holidays, dinner with family, a lone meal of crab legs, a good book, all sorts of things. There is no anticipation anymore. I don’t look forward to anything at all. I exist. Going because I should. Doing because […]

Ben sent me roses every Valentine’s Day after Jim and I split up. He was thoughtful and kind. They seemed to make him as happy as they made me. Today was tough. I had sweet Beau with me today. And Mama and Daddy gave me a nice card this morning. I opened it and it […]

That Day We wept and wailed that day. Time stopped. They buried me, except they didn’t. They left me standing. Here but not here. Upright but fetal. Breathing but holding my breath. Watching but not seeing. Speaking but not talking. Alive but dead. On That day. Now I’m like a tree, rooted to the spot. […]

Just when I think I’m doing better, my mind reels with fresh loss, tears spring to my eyes and I feel like running away and hiding and never coming out again. Instead, I sink lower in my chair and cry. Alone as always. I cry until my eyes swell and hurt. Until my nose is […]