This site was named wrong. I’m not still the Mama. It’s clearer every day. I think the site was named in a fit of denial. I am nobody’s mother. I will never be Mama again. The depths of despair that thought brings is unrecoverable.

My phone is silent. No chirp of a text, “How are you?” They don’t even give me a chance to lie, “I’m fine, thank you.” I won’t tell you I’m not healing. I won’t tell you how much I hate this life. I won’t tell you how much I hate God. I won’t tell you […]

The holidays… I heard they would be bad. I had no clue how devastating they would actually be. I hate everyone. Happy New Year… they are so relieved 2020 is over and a wonderful new year is starting. My fury is intense and hot. Bitter. I don’t even write anymore. There’s nothing to scream that […]

Some days I think I’m going to be okay. I feel strong and capable of dealing with this. I feel grateful to be healing, and hopeful. Then other days, like today, I ache for him in a very physical way. It feels like every molecule, my DNA itself, is screaming out for him and I […]

We’re burying Ben’s ashes at Memory Hill tomorrow. This is much harder than I expected.

I was looking for my old glasses and noticed a thumb drive tucked away in the basket. I plugged it in and a movie of Ben and Jacob on the sling ride in Orlando started. I guess they paid for the movie, it was made by the ride. They were happy, giggling, not a care […]

Well, I guess God really did mean he didn’t want me to have cats. I’m back to no kitties. I told Pastor Tom about God taking Miracle Kitty and how horribly unfair it was on top of everything else. He was commiserating with me. Then I told him I’d gotten THREE new kitties to replace […]

Six months to the day and it feels like six minutes. I don’t know how to stop this spiral. I keep thinking I’ll feel better. Some days I convince myself I do. Then pain comes crashing in again and I lose my breathe at the enormity if it. How can I be here and you […]

I haven’t posted in almost a month. Nothing to say really. This loss isn’t overcome in a matter of months. Probably not in decades. Each day blends into the next. Some days are not so bad, I cope. Some days are almost unbearable. And now I have to find a new camper and a new […]

It’s the eve of the first Gator Game of the season. I’ll put on my gator shirt, fix a table full of snacks and pretend I care. I’m trying to care. Maybe if I fake it for a while, I will care. So many Saturdays you and I spent together watching THE game. Shouting at […]