Twenty weeks. Long weeks. Lonely weeks. Where are you?

The last man standing in the middle of the night was Jim. Insensitive sometimes, but patiently present for hours on end. He tried. He’s gone now too. Barely a word in the past week. Busy… The misery is too much. For everyone. Especially me. I was told by other mothers this would happen, but I […]

The Mirror My eyes are green Hers are black Her hand goes to my face Who is she? Who am I? Will I ever see me in the mirror again?

Received the final email from medical examiner today. Official cause of death was Severe Bacterial Bronchopneumonia. It can be cured with an antibiotic. I don’t know if it’s possible to cry any harder than I have. My chest hurts like I’m having a heart attack. Constant pressure like someone is sitting on me. My fingers […]

Marciana came for a visit today. We rode out to Memory Hill and visited. She misses Ben. This has been a hard week for her too. So much guilt in not recognizing how sick he was and failing to get help for him. I guess she and I will share that guilt forever. We saw […]

Physical Manifestations of Grief My fingers and hands are numb and tingling. A compressed nerve in my neck from my muscles staying bunched up tight night and day. They ache, and I shake them to try to restore feeling but it doesn’t work. It’s gotten difficult to type with my last two fingers, I can’t […]

“Poor kid just downed in his own lungs. So easy to treat. Must have had a bad fever.” Jim said that to me in text today. Callous, wasn’t it? In normal times I could roll my eyes, maybe wince. These are not normal times. I sobbed for half an hour, the kind where I can’t […]

I went back and reread what I’ve been writing. It’s stark. Honest, but stark. The problem is, it only shows one thing… my bad days. I don’t tend to write on good days. I write when my soul feels ripped. The truth is, I am having some good days. Days I’m able to appreciate the […]

Pneumonia????????????? Kristen with the medical examiner’s office called today and said you died of Pneumonia. All the toxicology reports they’ve been waiting on came back negative. You died of Pneumonia. I failed you as a mother. I’m so sorry Ben. I failed you, I failed myself, I failed Beau, I failed our family. You told […]

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