My new normal is acting like I’m okay when I feel like I have a telephone pole sticking out of my chest. How can people not see it?! My new normal is obsessing about your last moments all night every night and creating a thousand ways things might have been different. My new normal is […]

The unreality of it still surprises me. I consider texting his phone, but don’t. He will not answer. My texts will pile up. I will have to deal with them when I have the courage to explore his phone. Something I’ve done little of so far. In the early days I looked through the most […]

It’s the little things that drive grief. Your custom car tag, tacked to an indifferent Oak in memory of you. Promising me I’ll never feel the happy relief of a child returning home safely. Seeing the car tag tacked to the oak was hard. The joy of remembering glancing out the window seeing you drive […]

Had a good day. It seemed.  Now I can’t breathe.  With every breath comes a wounded animal sound. The sound scares even me. How do I live omg how do I live without you. I want to see your bitten fingernails. Your chubby feet. I want to touch you. I want to tell you I […]

Society has no clue what to do with grief. It places great emphasis on “healing, moving forward, closure.” This serves to make society more comfortable. It does nothing for the bereaved except exacerbate the grief. Am I healing quick enough? Am I projecting the image of a strong person? I must put on a fake […]

Oh Ben. What a day we had today. Beau is a little trooper. He’s so good. And patient. He hardly ever cries about anything. Today an artist, Roger McCall, donated a bench for Memory Hill. A very nice man and a unique and gorgeous bench. But he’s very talkative. So Beau had to be patient […]

Exactly two months since you’ve been gone. It doesn’t seem possible. I’m still breathing. I even laugh sometimes. Beau is here with me this weekend. It’s hard to take care of Beau out here. I miss your help with him. The extra pair of eyes and hands. And laughter. I miss your silly puns. Who […]

Cynthia, Perry, Fraya, Jacob, Jeorgia, Dani, Marciana, Mama & Daddy and I all tackled the old barn today. It had 25 years worth of old furniture and rat poo in it. We got it ALL cleaned out and pressure washed. It looks so much better. I gave Marciana her urn today. I think it was […]

I went to look at a camper today. To lease, 6 months at a time with option to buy. I can’t go home. I’m afraid if I go there, I’ll never come out. Literally or figuratively, I’m not sure. I just know it’s the wrong thing to do. At this point I’m just trying to […]