Attended a meeting of the “onlies” tonight. We have two newer members who lost their son (and only child) to hazing. It was his first year at college.

I see the pain and panic in their faces. Their loss is very fresh. Talking with them helped me see my improvement over the last 18 months.

I don’t get the extreme panic and hysteria anymore. At least not recently. The first ten months there was a lot of it. The “I can’t be in my own skin I have to run somewhere fast I can’t do this can’t can’t can’t.” Sometimes I ended up screaming his name to empty walls over and over until it came out as a whisper rather than a scream. Ben! Ben! Ben! Ben! Bennnnnn! Bennnnnn! Bennnnn! BENBENBENBENBENBENBENBEN!!!!! The screams were so high and loud I would lose my voice. I would curl in a ball on my bed face down with arms and legs tucked under me trying to stop the pain that seemed to come from my middle. Sometimes I would scream at God, “I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE!!!!!!!!” Uncontrollable emotions and uncontrollable sobbing.

It was frightening. I was afraid for myself. I learned not to lie down in bed when the hysteria started hitting. It seemed to dissipate sooner if I stayed out of bed. It didn’t go away. Sometimes I’d go to a corner of the room and press my head into the corner and press my hands to both walls trying to stop the spinning out of control feeling. It helped a little. The “have to get out of my skin” feeling didn’t last as long in the corner as it did in the bed. But I screamed into the corner too.

I started trying to go outside when the feelings started choking me and my teeth would clench so hard I had trouble taking a drink. I don’t know if that was helpful. It tended to make the hysteria less extreme but it lasted longer.

So I know where those new parents are. And I’m not there anymore. The hysteria is ebbing, being replaced by lonely despair. What’s next?